DOWN HILL AGAIN ..............



Since my last post things have gone down hill AGAIN for us!!

On April 9 at about 7:00pm we had a home invasion.  Two males smashed their way into our home and attacked myself, my son & his friend.   I felt so damn helpless not being able to help defend my son.  I was so mad that I  didn't grab something to defend ourselves with.  It just all happened so fast and before I knew it I was on the phone with 911 screaming for someone to help us.  Mean while these guys had my son cornered and were just beating on him.  I was terrified that they would kill him.  I felt sick to my stomach, raged and panicked all at the same time.  Once they left I could start to feel the burn on my arms and head from the one guy punching me over and over.  I ran over to my son to check on him and he was hurt bad ... but so upset that they had also hurt me.  The kitchen was a mess from the whole situation ... my sons head had gone through one of the windows, so there was glass all over too.  I was shaking so bad it was all I could do to stand up.  After ALL that we've been through I thought that I would have been able to handle something like this better .... but I fell apart.

Every sound was making both of us react and jump.  I couldn't sleep, was scared to close my eyes.  I felt like they were coming back for us because I had called the cops and one of them had dropped their phone.  My son had begged the cops to have a car posted outside our place until they find the two guys, but they couldn't do that due to lack of man power.  My son began walking around the house with his baseball bat for protection, kept checking the door over n over to make sure it was locked and was looking out the windows all the time.  We had some of his friends stay with us for a few days until we felt a bit calmer to be alone.  I went through days of intense RAGE.  I beat on my bed, cried, screamed into my pillow constantly ... I just felt SO violated by the attack!! 

Today ... I pretty much feel the same, as does my son.  Both of us have SO VERY MUCH anger inside.  I'm have tried to talk to someone about my feelings .... not doing well with that so far.  My son .... WILL NOT talk to anyone except me and his friends about it.  This whole situation has re-traumatised us even worse!!

Now, my car is not running well too!  Another stressor that I do not need right now!

When I wake up in the morning I think "why" .... I don't feel like I have any reason to get out of bed.  I HATE to wake each morning .... the days go one forever.  I feel trapped in my world of being alone ... I feel like there isn't one person around me that "really gets" how I am feeling.  The only one that mirrors back to me what I feel is my son.  We have dreams of killing these guys ... dreams of them killing US ..... The thoughts are constant!!  I get mad when my friend tells me that I need to snap outta it .... HOW ..... WTF ..... I've got no money to do anything or go any where.  Car not running well. No family "around"! My friend lives 4 hours away too!  I feel so damn lonely and angry that I hurt inside physically.  I've been thinking about ways to escape these feelings .... get lost in booze, drugs ..... the streets ....... I don't know.  All I do know is that, I can not keep going on feeling like this and continue to want to be alive!  I want this hurt ... pain .... to STOP!!

I will try to describe "my life" .......

• Grew up in a very small town where everyone knew everyone & all family was there.
• Grew up with an alcoholic father - Constant fighting and unhappiness.
• Was molested at the age of 5 by a family member.
• Near drowning experience at the age of 10 - still fear water to this day!
• Was bullied at school - rotten fruit thrown at me - followed home and beat up - talked about etc.
• Moved to a large town and hated it at the age of 14 - was scared to death!
• learnt quickly to survive, I had to "fit" in!
• Raped at the age of 16 by school friends older friend.
• Met who I thought was the ONE, moved in together,parents hated me for it, got pregnant & miscarried & lost him.
• Tried to "hurt" him by dating guys I thought would bother him - it worked!
• Tried to make my parents happy with me by marrying a man who had his shit "together".
• This man was an alcoholic - 17 yrs older than me - a cop - and I never LOVED him.
• This man abused me emotionally and physically - was told I was worth nothing - I believe it!
• Had first child (daughter) thought I was doing OK. Fighting - drinking etc .. continued.
• Had my son - he almost died at birth with cord around his neck - husband was drinking more and not there for me or son.
• Got very depressed - he controlled money and me!
• Had to find work - wouldn't let me stay home with son.
• Husband home alone with kids & I was called home to find blood all over the house - My mom dealing with my husband who had blood all over him - thought he killed the kids. It was all about "Money"! He thought I took $13.00 from our "joint" account and took it out any anything that belonged to me or that I liked. It was actually a deposit - funny how shit looks when your drunk!
• He promised he would slow down the drinking!
• Grandfather who is the light of my life very ill and told not doing well ... went to go to see him in home town.
• Found out that same day that Mom was found dead at home ... ALONE!
• I "DIED" that day!
• Family fell apart and I was the one that had to deal with all of the funeral arrangements - I was in a robot mode.
• I was horrified and broken by seeing my family fall apart around me ..... I was lost somewhere in a dark place and couldn't feel.
• He started to drink again at the funeral - I hated and loathed him for that!
• The "shell" of what I became began to separate from everything to try to survive it all.
• I went about "life" but I wasn't alive.
• Tried to help my father cope - he was broken and lost too!
• Husband has a big drunken fit - I had enough and pushed back.  Cops called, he took my son and held him hostage. I left with kids to my fathers place.
• Charges were laid against my husband for domestic abuse. He was forced to re-hab out of town for 3 months. Not allowed to speak to us!
• I LOVED being alone with my kids!  I was learning what I liked!
• He came back and I gave him the benefit of the doubt to see if he changed.  NOPE - he got the good boy letter and literally crumpled it up and went and bought booze.
• I told him it was over between us and that I was leaving!
• kids and I moved to a trailer and started over ... but there was "joint" custody.
• I got back with the one "LOVE" of my life - felt like I was gonna have it all!!
• Kids and I moved to a cute little house - really enjoyed it there.
• My "Love" couldn't deal with the drama from my X nor my kids - I "LOST" him forever!
• I began to feel sick - just don't feel healthy.
• Started to party hard - wanted to escape it all!  Met another guy & moved in with him.
• Nice big 4 bedroom house with a big yard.  Loved his family, my family loved him.
• Worked for his business and paid well - we were doing well.
• Find out he's a cocaine addict! Very emotionally unstable!  We broke up and kids and I stayed in the house.
• Stuck with no job and nothing coming in. Started EI and began looking for work.
• After 3 years of the kids going back n forth between my X & I, I found out that he (my X) had been abusing them physically, verbally and emotionally!
• No charges laid as it was his word against theirs - them being kids and him a cop!
• He decided he never wanted anything to do with them again.
• Had to move again - can barely afford it!
• I have had to deal with them both being suicidal - angry and broken alone!
• Diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Ankylosing spondylitis.
• Found a job that literally made me even sicker!  Shift work!
• Son got involved with drugs and behaviour out of control - sent away against my will to a youth mental health hospital for a month.
• I could no longer work - went on medical leave - too sick!
• I LOST my little boy!  HE is forever changed by the hands of HIS abuser!
• They diagnosed son with every ABC disorder there is practically.
• Daughter lost in behaviour and teen identity ideas! HATES her brother and me!
• Son no longer goes to school.
• Not enough money coming in - Ministry making things so much worse for us.
• No longer have a car that works - can't afford to fix it.
• No support emotionally from family - they want nothing to do with us.
• Denied disability claim. Still waiting for help financially.
• Having to go to the food bank - bill's not being paid - NO money!
• No Phone - No Internet - No TV!
• Son getting in trouble with police and being brought home. (12 yrs old)
• Evicted and no where to go! Told by Ministry to live in my car that didn't even run.
• No help moving - no boxes to pack - no trucks etc.
• Landlord took all most all of our belongings and took my car.
• Ministry sent us to a two bedroom apartment in the worst part of town.
• Blood on the walls in the hall.  Drunks all over!
• Family has NO contact with is - disgusted with HOW we are living!
• I DO NOT to do drugs and I may have a drink a couple times a month.
• A day after getting there my son finds who he can get drugs easy from.
• Son assaulted by two drunks down stairs.
• Daughter is so depressed and tries to stay away as much as possible with working.
• Constant fights - domestic abuse - gang activity - drugs in our halls - hear it all!
• Police constantly being called to the apartments. Our own reality show to watch!
• Son begins to get deeper into the drug and gang activity.
• Medication - counselling etc . does nothing to help my son!
• I feel like I am losing him to this place.
• I pretend to "become" this place JUST to keep my son alive.  I need to know who these people are & make them think that they can trust me so I will be kept in the loop. Scared to death!
• Son tells me how much he doesn't want to be alive - his daily goal is to escape reality however he can. Breaks my heart that he is hurting so very much.
• He tells me that I am the only one that he trusts and loves.  I'm the only one that hasn't hurt him and that understands him. My poor lost baby boy!
• Son disappears for 5 days.  His friends didn't even know where he was and was looking for him.
• Police looking for him and find nothing. Thought I lost him for good!  Terrified!
• I go "underground" to get info. as much as I can.  Do my own investigation work.  "I" FOUND him.
• Tell police where I "think" he might be to get the help I need to get him home.  I need to be so careful or I will be punished for talking.
• Didn't want to let him go when I got him home.  He cried in my arms and told me that he was sorry for making me so scared.
• I watch my son getting harder to what goes on around the complex.  He seems to know everyone. Telling me he's OK ... and not to worry about him.
• He starts to become more violent and getting calls to meet people.  I know what he is doing ....
• Terrified when I find my son on the floor in the kitchen telling me there are bugs coming out of the floor and thinking that there people after him.
• Days of this turns into months ..... I hate this place and what it has done to us!  I no longer feel ...I just exist!
• No help - left out in this craziness to survive and that is all we are doing!
• I begin to get violent back with the people around this place. I need to stand up for myself and my kids.  I WILL NOT let them break us!
• I realise that MY home has been taking over by my sons life style.  People coming and going - never know what I will see going on ... BUT I have the NEED to know where he is so I let this kaos continue.  I HATE it!
• Constant crazy people at my door - confused thinking that they live here.
• We get infested with bed bugs! OMG!!!!!!!   The whole complex is infested. Got sprayed!
• Son being investigated for arson.  Serious crimes Unit talking to me ... WTF!
• Again I go "under" to do my own investigation.  Find out it is someone else that has done all of the arson fires in our area ... BUT this person also is friends with my son and they both have been out and about together.  My son swears on my life that HE was not the one that did the fires.  I believe him!
• The guilty kid sat at my table and tells me with no EMOTION how he broke into this house & stole things and then set the house on fire to cover his tracks.  Then tells me how he's been doing this since he was a little boy and laughed.
• I report him to police and they are able to tie him to ALL of the fires and he goes to jail!
• Daughter gets attacked by a guy while out on a late night run.  Was beaten bad - Police try to say that it was actually a "meet up" gone bad because they are not able to find the guy nor any tracks.
• Two weeks later police arrest a man fitting her description of the guy that had attacked four other woman and attempted to rape one.  WHY is this crazy shit happening to US!
• Son confesses to me all the drugs that he has done ... what he likes to do for drugs and some of the things he has been through.  Tell's me while sobbing that he is "a good boy" ... that he has had lots of offers to do things/bad things but he hasn't done them.  That he has now learnt how to "survive" around this side of town and he will be "OK"!  Breaks my heart - I feels like a terrible mother for not being able to keep him from this!
• He tells me that the only thing he keeps living for is "ME" - nothing else matter's to him.  He has no one else and nothing else and the day that he loses me is the day he will die!  When I look into his eyes I "see" my "little boy".  He's deep inside there and he comes out to talk to me once in a while and let me know he still there .. only to retreat back inside to "survive"!
• My daughter tells me how she hates who I have become and never wants to be like me - that I have become the very thing that "we" hated!
• My daughter and I are constantly fighting - she constantly speaks terrible to my son and his friends.  You can cut the tension between is with a knife.
• Still dealing with bed bugs!  Feel so dirty!  I hate this!  Had to through out bed's etc.
• Kaos and violence continues around the complex and our place!
• I am now physically & verbally attacking the men that confront my son - my home - me!  I begin to feel powerful and not scared of them anymore. What have I become????
• I constantly think of ways to kill myself - I can't leave my son to fend for himself - my daughter is stronger and will do OK but not him!
• Months turn into years ...... same shit different day!
• Finally my disability gets approved! A bit more money for us!
• I feel so lost!  I don't even know one day from the next .... i just get up and do my thing, then go to bed etc ... The treadmill going no where!
• Finally the feeling of being "invaded" and taken over by this craziness has gotten to me.  I start to get mad and want a change.  I finally get the balls to tell these people I don't want them around!  My son can finally see what this place has done to me .... feels very bad and begins to keep the shit away!  No more people at our place! 
• My son starts to worry about me ....
• My daughter graduates!  Starts to really party! I can feel her pulling away, wanting to leave.
• She tells me how drunk she's been getting ... tried Ecstasy, cocaine! Please NO!  She too doesn't want to be on this earth!
• Kaos begins to slow a bit .... but I start to smoke pot and drink!  "I" now need to to escape the way my son talks about.  Just to be able to feel that pain ease a bit ... the tightness in my body to let go a bit!
• My daughter is mad at me!  I don't CARE what anyone thinks!  Had enough!!!
• I stop caring about the house being clean ... and myself!  Just want that "easy" feeling!
• Someone breaks into our place when we are sleeping.  Daughter sleeping in living room calls 911 while this guy is touching her through the blankets.  Long story short ..this guy used to live in the building so cop assumed that I like the rest around the place was partying with this guy and forgot about it.  He never got charged for breaking in.  Was took to the drunk tank and let out by 2pm only to return to our place that night at 9:30pm and start banging on our door and trying to get in!
• THIS was the VERY last traumatic event that I was about to endure with my kids in this god forsaken place!!!!!
• The very next day I found a place for us to move to!  My daughter also announced that she too was moving and it would be with her boyfriend!  Not happy about that, but she will not listen and I can not say that I blame her after everything she has been through.

We had to start all over again!  All the furniture was thrown out for fear of taking bed bugs with us.  I used money that I got for my disability to get the NEW things that we needed.  I also got my car running again and what I thrill that was for us all!  After all those years of taking the bus and walking and feeling so trapped we finally feel have that freedom and Independence back again!  So very grateful we are!

My son and I are so happy with our new place.  It's bright, nice big windows to let the sun in!  We have a washer and dryer again which is wonderful!  A big kitchen with a normal size fridge and stove again. A nice clean new bathroom - so excited to take bath's again too!  I got us a little freezer so I can start to bake "again" and buy extra things that we can freeze. 

Although we had all this "good" around us, it took me a whole month to finally feel some what "alive" once we moved in.  I went through a period of morning for all the things we had lost, the stuff we had been through and how it had changed us all.  I started to question my decision on taking this new place.  Just a whole un-easy feeling but also a feeling that it could ALL be taken away from us again!  Couldn't even finish unpacking.  A friend of mine came over and helped me get my living room together and that was the push that I needed! 

Now, it's time to start to heal!  One day at a time!